- Movies: Road, Collector, Ninja A, Legion

Taking a small break from the 275 challenge, Matt and I filled our 6th Anniversary weekend with a handful of movies. We kicked it off with THE ROAD.

So, it's basically the end of the world. Cannibalism is on the rise and we follow a father as he prepares his son for the day when the boy must go on without him. It's obvious this was based on a book. A book I would have put down countless times before I would finally have given up. The movie was boring. I can imagine the book would be murderously so. For the first half of the movie, we endure the father's constant urges to put a bullet in his son's head. Now that kind of shyt really ticks me off. It's one thing to kill a child out of psychosis, quite another to do it out of 'compassion'. Urgh. Then we have a mother who is so severely depressed at the situation, she just walks into woods, abandoning both husband and son. And the son... a boy, about eight years old, that is way too soft. It is the only world he has ever known, and yet tears fall like rain over Seattle. I would assume as much as one could baby their child in a post-Apocalyptic era, there must be some hardness to their spirit.

One of the most frustrating aspects- only one person had a damn name. And that was Eli. Some really old guy they met along the journey. Not the dad. Not the mom. Not the damn boy. Just Eli.

After that we watched THE COLLECTOR for a healthy dosage of blood and gore. In this feature, a man breaks into a home looking to steal some cash to help repay a loan shark the mother of his child owes a debt to. Inside, he finds the mother of all traps lain by a man who is collecting living beings. He has the father, the mother, and a random guy that's stuffed into a chest. Somewhere in the house is the youngest of two daughters.

The traps were ridiculously clever. From bear traps to a chandelier of knives. Acid goo on the floor. Fish hooks. Wow. I can't even remember them all. Worst part of the movie was the end. We never see the bad guy and you spend the majority of the film wondering if the main character himself is the killer with evidence of delusions he keeps suffering.

If THE COLLECTOR didn't give you enough blood, then NINJA ASSASSIN will surely give you the overdose you seek.

Worst part of the movie, straight off, is the main character Mika who is convinced that there is a secret clan of assassins out there for hire to whomever is willing to pay a hundred pounds of gold. Okay, so she's right but she's still annoying as hell. The story itself is of Raizo and his training in this harsh world. You think the Spartan boys had it rough, this could very well prove a contender.

Lots of blood. And I mean, LOTS of blood. Completely exaggerated. But the effects were great and the fighting style highly entertaining.

Lastly, LEGION.

With a cast of Too Fast Too Furious rejects, we join a group of misfits in the middle of nowhere as we fight to save the unborn child of a true good for nothing slut.

Per God's command, angels are now hunting the child and seek it's death. Their one hope that being Michael who has betrayed God's will to protect the child while Gabriel leads the angels against him. In the end, though, -spoiler- he rises as God's champion for quote (Michael to Gabriel):

"You gave Him what He asked for. I gave Him what He needed."

After gunning down grandma and the ice cream man, I only now ask the question WHAT THE FUCK? While I get it, okay, maybe God was issuing a test. Quite the opposite of the television with its deafening tone and simple statement: This is NOT a test. Seriously, the tone- TOO MUCH! But if this was a test, how dare you slay those that were only acting on orders. So they were all good guys. Even crazy, wall climbing grandma and spider legs ice cream man.


Anonymous said...


Ninja Assassin's the only one I'd watch. lol.

Ragan said...

Lots of blood!